June 13th, 2022

The day has barely started for me, but I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things and writing them down seems to help. So, here I am.

I'm working on an OCs page for my website right now, but I'm struggling with it due to the fact that a few of these OCs are not only very personal to me, but also because the relationship dynamic between them is unique and based in something very important to me. I told a friend that writing about these OCs publicly felt like flaying myself open for people to see my guts, and it still feels like that. However, I also struggle with knowing what is oversharing on my own personal website. Is there such a thing? Will people judge if I talk about intimate details of my life on a website that I run and create? I wouldn't think so, but I worry that it will be something I regret.

I always exist in this space where I want to share things about myself but also know that some people will not understand them or not like them, and I don't know how to respond to that. Do I care? I do, unfortunately, and I know I shouldn't. I don't know how to navigate the space between oversharing and being true about myself, who I am, and what is important to me, if that space even exists.

I don't know. Maybe I'll talk to a friend about it, maybe someone will comment and tell me their thoughts. I think an external voice would help if only because my internal voice is often a lot more cruel to me than I would like it to be.

In other, less depressing news, I've been playing a lot of video games recently due to my new computer! It can run games super well and while I'm not playing anything super intensive, it's still fun. I've been mostly playing Skyrim and Fallout: New Vegas because I love games where I can just fuck off and roleplay for a bit. I'll write about my characters on my OC page, and I already have the one for my Fallout: New Vegas OC almost entirely done outside of a few tweaks. I've been trying to work on my website in more spaced out segments rather than dedicating several days to only working on my website and burning myself out.

What else? Life has been boring besides that. Honestly, I really can't wait to go back to work. I work as a librarian (there are a lot of librarians on neocities, I notice. Hi!) in an art library, which is what it sounds like. I'm not a full librarian, I guess, just a student assistant, but that doesn't sound as cool does it? Maybe a little disingenuous though. Work is just good for giving me something to do... and money. That's nice as well.

I want to start reaching out to some friends more, I've just been very bad about it recently. I'm still struggling with starting social interaction and while I feel like I'm leaps and bounds better at it, I need to improve my skills even more. I know a lot of my friends are busy, though, which is totally fair too. It gets a little lonely sometimes, being in your 20s. Everyone is so busy and you understand why, but it feels like that you never have a chance to really just hang out anymore. I hope that changes!

One last thing: I really want a tattoo. So bad. I want it to be an outline of Laura Palmer's hands from Twin Peaks when she does the... hand thing, I guess, and says "Meanwhile." You all know the scene. Just letting you all know that.

Update: 06:37 PM

I don't feel very good today. I just feel antsy and a little bit out of sorts. Not sure why, I've been taking my medication as usual and nothing has changed. Sometimes, things just feel different though.

I've been thinking a little bit about how I live at home with both parents, and they both work from home. It's something I alternate between barely noticing and becoming all too aware of. I just feel like I don't have much privacy sometimes, outside of my room, but I'd rather not be locked in my room all day. It'd just be nice to be able to walk out the door and go on a walk or something without being questioned, but moving out is something that I know isn't going to happen very soon.

Which is fine. I'd rather wait until I was financially stable before I moved out. Still would be nice to have a little bit of time to myself, though. Maybe I'll start pursuing my permit and license a bit more aggressively, but that requires me to get over... well, a Lot of fear. I'm not sure I want to risk my mental health just so I can drive a car. Ugh.

I don't know. I just get agitated sometimes and things seem to be very out of proportion. It's also very hot in my house, which can't be helping my mood. Everything is just sort of weighing down on me.