It's late when I write this, almost 11 pm. Just as a note.

My grandmother is dying. I was never very close with her, and as I have grown older, even my parent who was her child has distanced themself from her. It's something I've seen with both parents, in different forms. Neither of them have good relationships with their family. It hurts, to see them navigate this. I've watched them both cry over the families they wished they had and the ones that they got.

I'm not sure how to feel. It upsets me mostly to see my parent upset about it. I don't think I'll really have any strong emotion about it until she does die. It's hard for me to think into the future about emotion, only the past and present. I cry for what is happening and what has been, but rarely what will. I think it never seems real in my mind, when death is still distant even as it creeps closer.

It's just strange to see the way that my parents' childhoods affected them into adulthood. It's, in a way, a relief though to see them so openly navigate these things. My family has never attempted to force the idea of 'you HAVE to love family' into my head because they know what it's like to have family that's hard to love. It makes things more difficult, as well, but this isn't about that right now.

We've talked a lot about the idea of funerals recently. I'm not a fan of them, no one in my family really is. I find burials a waste of space and, frankly, I don't see how they're comforting. I'm much more comforted by the idea of a body being returned to the earth in a natural way, able to cycle itself again. That's a difficult philosphical discussion, though. Either way, I've never been to a true funeral, not for anyone I was related to. I went to a wake in high school, my friend's dad died. I saw his body in the casket, and the only thought that occurred to me is that I don't see how anyone is comforted by this sight.

It's just strange to be in this situation. I love my grandmother, sure, but I feel like I never really knew her. She loves me, but I don't think she ever really liked me. It's complicated to get into, and a lot to deal with, but that side of the family has a lot of bullshit going on. It's hard to parse how to feel about people you know are terrible that you're related to.

I guess that I'm just feeling very detached above all else. I don't hate myself for that, though. I think it's a reaction that is as valid as any other. I just wonder if that will change.

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